How To Drunk Text + The Perfect Hang-Over Breakfast

Words, Images & Recipe by Sam Hillman

There are people who carefully consider what they say before they say it; who allow a thought process to run its natural course before spitting it out into the world irrevocably. Then there are people like myself, who do the opposite. We are the talkers. The binge texters. The ranters. Unscripted and unfiltered. An openness I'd convinced myself was an adorable quirk instead of just an unfortunate disconnect between brain and thumb. My friend summed it up best, saying my texts are essentially "a live streaming of the fucking chaos" inside my head. Harsh but fair, Romy. Harsh but fair. Needless to say, alcohol exacerbates this process and as someone who, romantically, is drawn almost exclusively to the morally corrupt; these drunken exchanges go down with varying degrees of success (awfully, always.) Unlike its forbearer, drunk dialing; there is an unsettling permanency to written correspondence. There's evidence to greet you in the morning. A digital receipt of your innermost feelings. Proof. Documentation. A scrolling list of the things you wish you didn't say, to the people you wish you didn't say them to. Holidays are particularly tricky. While I'm pretty consistent at making catastrophic life choices throughout the year, I definitely peak across the December-January period. Rife with Christmas parties, charity soirees and obligatory family functions; it's a time where the company is dull and the booze abundant. I love an open bar as much as the next freeloader, though couple free flowing liquor with a seasonal resurge in rom-coms encouraging urgent declarations of love (COUGH, Love Actually) and what have we got? Inebriation. Emotion. Red flags. A high-risk zone for the binge texter in you. So if you'll also be spending Sunday__morning bunkered down in a pillow fort of shame, cringing through your latest personal failings and playing this fun little game called Reevaluate Your Whole Damn Life; dig into this breakfast. It's is the kind of carby-eggy-umami-packed goodness you'll need after heavy night of letting yourself down. Plus it's green, meaning one less thing to regret this weekend. While your bread is toasting or your eggs are poaching, peruse this; a handy guide to how I text whilst under the influence, and how you probably shouldn't.

1. Eyes on The Prize

There's a special type of human needing to be contacted while you're sloshed. Ask yourself: has this person recently wronged you? Do you love them from afar? Are you unsure whether or not you're technically dating, but need to know right this second? If you answered yes to any of the above, you've found the one. Text them immediately. A good rule of thumb is to always text the one person your sober self wished you wouldn't.

2. More is More

You can't send too many messages. Be relentless. There's a time and place for patiently awaiting a response and that's sobriety; embrace the now. Nothing drives a salient point quite like repetition. What if he didn't see his phone! What if he didn't hear it! What if he dropped it in a puddle! What if he's dead! Never trust a 'delivered' sign; best to send multiple messages in frantic, intermittent outbursts. Quantity over quality. Don't stop 'til you get enough.

4. Emotion 4eva, logic never

Laws of grammar need not apply; you're here to chat! You've got abusive rhetoric to send! Love to declare! Disputes to settle! Don't let apostrophes slow you down. Nothing screams mental stability like haphazard spelling and nonsensical sentences. USE CAPS. __Be vague. Be cryptic. Boys love this. EG "I don't love you anymore" Reply: "You are"

5. Illustrate

Spice up your dialogue with carefully selected multimedia attachments. Fun ideas include meaningful short clips of you stirring a drink, dozens of (more is more!) blurred cab selfies and contextually ambiguous emojis. There are no limits beyond your phone's storage capabilities.

6. Disregard Boundaries

So you've kept abreast of their current affairs, let them know! Surprise them with unexpected facts about their life. Make offhand comments about whose photos they've liked on instagram. Refer to family holiday pics you've stumbled across 36 weeks into a lowkey insta-vestigation. Use relative's names. Remind them you saw them accept that girl's Facebook friend request. As per #5, screenshots make a nice touch.

7. No Means Yes

You look astonishing and he absolutely wants to meet up - even if he doesn't know it himself yet. Take rejection as a light suggestion, then disregard that suggestion completely. You just haven't badgered them enough. Rhetorical questions are a great way to combat a closed mind. EG "Babe, I'm going home tonight." Reply: "But where is home I mean rly when you think about it?"

8. Delete the evidence

If you can't see it, it didn't happen. Clear the slate ready for your next big night on the keypad. Repeat. Thumbs at the ready.

Recipe

Ingredients:

1 cup of fresh or frozen peas, lightly boiled

1 cup of crumbled feta

1 ripe avocado

Juice and zest of half a lemon

Small handful of mint leaves, torn

2 slices of sourdough toast

Chilli flakes

sea salt and cracked pepper

2 eggs, poached or par-boiled, depending on your poaching skills (mine are parboiled.)

Method:

Smash peas into the crumbled feta.

Mash up your avocado with the lemon and lemon zest. Add in the feta-pea mix and the torn mint leaves, then smash together some more.

Season with sea salt and cracked pepper to taste

Top toast with peas and your parboiled (or poached) egg

Top with chilli flakes and more salt and pepper